Monday, November 14, 2005

Fucked by numbers

On the verge of greatness, yet I fuck up again.

I had this fool proof plan that was supposed to erase how I fucked up in college the first 2 years, and forgot to take math classes that have become the pre-requisites for my hopeful grad programs. I was going to cheat the system; take a few make-up classes at Hunter, ace the shit (because, let’s be real, I am a MoHo grad and my class was at some lowly public uni), become the star pupil and have the prof write a glowing recommendation for Columbia so I could have another blue and white school name added to my resume.

I have my stats test tomorrow and I ‘forgot’ to go to class for the past month.

Coming from a liberal arts degree in Critical Social Thought, I am the queen of procrastination. Routinely I ‘forgot’ to go to class and instead showed up on the last day to receive the assigned final essay. It was a system. I set up camp at the library and would read one of the class’ seminal texts, get drunk off of some micro-brewed beer and then write an A paper that was “insightful” “brilliant” and “original”. All the while causing a rukus with my friends and running around the library drunk off our asses (finals couldn’t even stop this party girl). By the way, a scavenger hunt in the library for beer is a great stress reducer.

I’ve learned the hard way that there is no ‘system’ to beat having to go to stats class. There is no bullshit that I can spew into an A, drunk and filled with self-importance that alcohol provides me.

You can’t bullshit numbers.

I fucked up, yet again and to make matters even worse, I need this class to get into grad school.

But part of this system also includes some life lessons and when you are really in the hole, pity is a wonderful mediator to compensate for your own half-assed attempt mediocrity. In college I gained weight and blamed my shitty grades on “depression”. In high school I blamed my lack of attendance on “not being challenged”. However, with a jaded public uni professor, I have come to realize that he isn’t going to fall for the standards “I am too busy” “I am depressed” “My grandma died”. Standards of the spoiled over educated kids because, lets be real, most of us don’t deal well with real life. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And I am taking a Machiavellian approach to my education, especially since his is a dick I care not to suck for an A.

I know what ever I tell him is going to have to be good. Especially considering my past experiences with him. He not caring when I was having registration issues, his continued lack of care to attempt to reschedule his extra help session because it fell on a Jewish holiday. He has a sad life and he expects us to ‘buck up and deal’, much how he deals with life, craigslist personal ad included. However, even with the most jaded people, there is always something that could get to them.

“Hi Professor Gonzalez. I am not proud of my performance, and I have always promised myself that my personal life would never interfere with my professional life however, [insert downcast eyes] I…[look up hopeful and innocent] I have been going through a lot. In addition to my new job, and other things going on..[take deep breath] I’ve been distracted and I want to work with you because my grades and my performance in class don’t reflect who I truly am [start to cry and say very quickly] I had an abortion a few weeks ago.”

Only a sick fuck would ever use the killing of an unborn child, and I am A-ok with that. Seriously, it’s fool proof! Who would ever call a woman a liar about something like that? And how could your heart not go out to that poor woman? How could you not commend her for being brave? Dealing with an abortion…especially because she couldn’t think to bring her baby into an abusive relationship. Machiavelli baby. After all these years he still has a lot to teach us…

And I just spent an hour of study time writing this…

Self-sabotaging, because if I don’t fuck it up myself, something else will.


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