$2400 to live like the homeless

When confronted with the cold and rain, I hibernate and stop going out to party. I wrap myself up in my blankie, the cold preventing me from wearing my normal repetoire of booby revealing shirts and strappy Manolos, the only things that make me look presentable when trying to compete with every other Jewish girl in NYC trying to land her future ex-husband.


When I go into hibernation and stop partying, I rationalize since I am not taking in the extra calories drinking, I could put those calories towards my vices of Ben and Jerry’s and General Tso’s chicken. Which I have done way too much lately, in addition to drinking like an addict on break from Betty Ford...yea, I put back on my meningitis weight.

This is my Fri night: on the couch, cuddled with my blanket, the General and Ben and Jerrys with some bad TBS movie. And I am also wearing my fleece jacket, scarf, and 2 pairs of socks on my feet because I have no heat because there is a huge fucking hole in my living room wall. Yes, I have a hole in my wall, and it is in the low 40's in manhattan at the moment.

Sloth induced coma, I am ready for bed by 3am, looking forward to sleeping in. Cuddled with my down comforter, fleece jacket, and scarf because I have no heat.

6:00am, I wake up to this ungodly screeching and banging, smoke in my room, and this putrid smell filling my nostrils.

Holy fuck, there is a fire in my room.

And all the smokey the bear I watched growing up flew out the window, I was shaking, wanting to get out but I couldnt connect my survial instinct with my legs. I spent minutes scared shitless that my apt was going up in flames and I had no rental insurance to cover my shoes and handbags, minutes before I thought to leave the apartment via fire escape.

I run out to the living room, calling to John, ready to save him and whatever Latino man he has in his bed but when I open the door to my living room, there is nothing except for a blast of cold air from the hole in the wall. The living room has no heat and my room evidently is getting its leftover, causing steam to shoot out of the radiator and make my room look like the set from Michael Jackson's thriller.

But since it is the first time the heat came on, I dont mention it to the super, figuring that it has to be a one time only thing, right?

Well, I have an excuse to go to the gym in the mornings because I have been up at 6am every fucking morning. It is especially nice when I am severly hungover from the night before.

I could go sleep in the living room until the problem is cleared up, right? But there is a 2 1/2 feet by 2 feet hole in my wall, which wasn't a problem during the summer since it provided the apt with extra ventilation however, as the temp drops and my roomate is being is relaxed Greek self, we have only a plastic bag covering the hole. Which in the rain and cold is not at all effective.


The homeless man who lives in a box has better protection from the elements than I do.
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I don’t know how many of my readers live in NYC/keep up with NYC weather (you should get a fucking hobby)…but as I write this it is in the low 40s. Just above the temperature that ice freezes…and we haven’t even gotten to the coldest point in the night.

I would be better off with a fucking card board box outside with a sleeping bag next to toothless bob and vomiting NYU frat boy. And we pay $2400 a month for the privilege to live here. Yes, mom and dad your daughter is building quite the life for herself.