Tuesday, January 18, 2005

History is repeating

Last Sunday night in an effort to distract myself from my impending hell, being condescended to by the wanker all day for 9hours armed with only music, IMs from supportive friends, and ciggs in my arsenal to protect my self-esteem and mind...I began to look at the Craigslist personal ads. I'm not going to lie, I was looking for randominos to randomly chat to because it was already 1:30am and as funny as South Park the movie is, chatting to random men telling them that I am a 19 yr old single mother who is bisexual looking for $ in exchange for sex is far more entertaining. Especially if he has some sick fetish...it reminds me that there are more people in the world who are far more fucked up than I am.

So I am perusing the CL ads, and I come accross an ad with the posting that read "Real Man looking for Real Woman 27" Usually I fly past these ads because "real men" who look for "real women" are usually men who cant get a woman and since they have been rejected their entire lives b/c there is something wrong with them (and we know women, especially women in this city are not picky...walk down Houston St. on a Saturday night and you know that those beautiful women are with those fugly men for 1. money 2. for their personality--we arent that hard to please. Just be Drug and Disease free, not in a relationship, and want to get married, anything else such as alcoholism, workaholism, emotional abuse, poor dressing/hygeiene can be fixed). I mean look at the Wanker (my asshole boss) and his cute wife. In the wise words of my sister...how the hell did he get her?! Because women have no standards left!

But I read on...and his ad is cute in this self-depricating, intelligent, claims he is European, bitterly funny way...but there are red flags that I have learned from my previous online dating experiences:

1. If a guy says he wants to "take things slow aka get to know each other through emailing, phone, then meet in person" and does not mention exchanging pics...it means he is hiding something from you and wants you to see his inner beauty before you meet his busted self.

2. You claim that there are more important things than money...it means that either A) you are a Rockafeller, and I dont think that they date on CL. Maybe match.com but definately not CL. or 2. YOU MAKE NO MONEY and want to make yourself sound like that you went with the moral high ground instead of "selling out"...but in reality you just cant hack it in the for-profit-make the rich man richer mentality. And I am sorry, working for a Synogogue doing atabae work for their fundraising dept is not in the moral high ground. Maybe if you were doing peace corps in Africa and saving children, whales, and erradicating Malaria we could talk...

3. Sci-Fi/Video game geek. I went out with one of them from Nerve.com...I think he was still a virgin at the age of 28. Interacting with Lara Croft from Tomb raider and then masterbating to bad internet porn does not qualify as having relationship with women. Seriously, how many trekkies do you know who are good looking?

4. Saying, "I am handsome...If I am your type." Uh huh. Sorry, ugly isnt my type.

5. Saying you arent a people person/hate small talk, means you dont know how to hold a converation. And if you do meet me, what are you going to talk to me about in the first 15 mins, my stance on the Bay of Pigs invasion? Whether Neitzche has any validity?

6. Saying that looks dont matter, means you are ugly. Or you are so hung up on your previous gfriend that you were planning on thinking about her as you fucked me. Again, Dont waste my time.

Also for good measure how to dicipher the pics that they send:

6. if taken with a hat = balding, not smiling = fucked up teeth, far away/old = really fat, anything skiing, even if they look really really hott, = THEY ARE NOT!! If you have to send a picture of yourself wearing 40 lbs of equipment, your face flushed from the wind...aka a picture that could not look like you, it means that you do not want the picture to look like you for a reason.

I know I sound horribly bitter and surprisingly I am not. Just amused.

Only problem, I really liked the guys email/writing style....and despite my horrible experience with internet dating, the nut jobs from nerve, the S&M freak from CL who wanted me to become his slave...there is something just so appealing about sitting in front of a computer screen, wearing sweats, eating Ben & Jerrys while studying for my GRE's simultaneously looking for a date. Did I mention that it is 18 degrees outside?

So in an effort to cultivate more material for my blog, which is eventually going to go into my stand-up routine, and then eventually a tv show so I could meet the man who I have a 16 yr old crush on...the lead singer from the Killers. And the problem is, he became even hotter after I say the "Mr. Brightside" video. Wearing make-up being flamboyant...Did I mention that he had really fine effiminate features? And was wearing MAKE-UP!, and acting all theatirical?!?! Shit, I am more fucked up with men than I thought I ever was...


Post a Comment

<< Home