Clairol would be so proud

My entire life story could be marked by my haircolor. The darker and more unnatural the happier and more confident I am. And conversely the lighter and more blond, the further I deviate from the unnatural that represents the natural me. Blond hair becomes my intense desire to be anyone except for my imperfect self. Hoping that having blond hair would magically make me 3 inches taller, 30 lbs thinner, better dressed, have a great boyfriend…a clone of the women on the upper east side who appear to have everything under control, especially including their appearance, a way of controlling their own human interaction.

There is something incredibly symbolic about the return to my dark red purple hair, last night as I sat in the colorist’s chair, on the phone with my sister telling her that graduating from college is a scary endeavor but we have to become ‘responsible adults’ sometime. As the colorist applied the color, I realized I came full circle, a hair color that represented my irresponsibility, my rebellion to the UES blonds, has become my contradiction how a rebellious appearance within a norm signifies my newfound feeling of confident control over my life.

Responsibility is a lot like death, we try to avoid it at all costs and then when we are least expecting it to happen, it comes unannounced. A lot like my need to return to my dark red purple hair. But as a slightly more responsible, over 21 non-false ID, me.

The hair of my youth, the haircolor that forced me to be noticed, the haircolor that marked my entrance into bars and clubs and that now is marking my exit. My trademark. And I finally feel worthy to sport the haircolor full on; not mixed with something more natural, you know to make me stand out less or something more blond in order to blend in so I could become another character to help me forget about an uncertain career path, rejection, not having a home, and the other problems that are supposed to plague us as we navigate the grey area of being a dependent student to a self-confident independent adult.

My return to my dark red purple hair marks my settling into NYC and my satisfaction with my life. Although it isn’t perfect, like my present haircolor it is going to have to be brightened up occasionally with a little help. I, my friends, am actually happy. Not because of anything specific but because I am finally happy with myself.