The semiotics of the personal ad reply

Once again it is compounded that my single hood is a dying breed. In my research with other friends who are slightly older, I have come to learn that the early-mid 20s is a time for dating and mating. As I have written on here before, I both work and take classes, while simultaneously trying to get my writing published…it leaves a girl with no time.

Most people in my situation would use match.com. The website for the perpetually busy NYer who wants to have the relationship that they have no time for. However, the thought of match.com creeps the shit out of me because my biggest fear is that my "friends" from HS would find my profile and say things like, “she calls herself eccentric?! She is just a weirdo!!”

What else is left?! Bars? Well besides being hubs for the men who I should not date, the alcoholic frat boy types, I also only go to gay ones. Work?? The guys are all married or in serious relationships. My class at Hunter? Filled with men who are fresh off the boat and can barely speak English. I mean, I like foreign men as much as the next girl, but I do not want someone who has to translate my fucking conversations. Especially when I get excited...and then my friends who are native English speakers could barely understan me. Plus it isn't even like they are hot foreigners , they are from those poor Eastern European countries where the inhabitants need major dental work and having spent 3 years in braces I feel I can be a bitch on a nice teeth requirement. Hence, I have taken to CL, once again. And I have to admit, I like CL because it is unmitigated, there is no BS “Describe your ideal date” crap. People write what they want. You want to fuck a dog as your gfriend watches? Go for it...anonymous. Unmitiaged. In all seriousness, you are going to find out this shit about them. You might as well find it out now as opposed to later.

As I am responding to CL ads, as with all things, there is a flirtation and what you write sends signals for the other person to read. You can't come right out and say to someone that you are very hot or very fit because everyone says it. But there are signals that verify your hotness.

The Semiotics of the Answering of the Personal ad:

I guess I should preface this, and for those of you who know me, this isn’t going to be much of a shock but it will raise a few eyebrows. Although I go for pansy ass gay boys, I have a thing or assertive men who do not take my bullshit and have no problems throwing me against a wall and having their way with me. That being said, I answered an ad on CL that asked if you ever “liked the movie secretary.” Secretary is about a S&M relationship…not that I want to become someone’s slave but, I have a thing for assertive men, the type of guy who will call me out on the bullshit I have a habit of spewing. Other than a dominant side, he sounds perfect. Educated, works in finance, dark hair…my type.

This is the email I send to him (the email in bold and my comments in plain text):

I saw your ad on CL and was definitely intrigued by both the ad and that you are only 26 and "experienced and understanding." A man around my age who could potentially actually get me off?! And it isn’t mechanical?! Hot DAMN! Usually this isn't part of the standard relationship in college, holding up her legs in a keg stand, yes. This, not so much. No really, I swear I have had normal functioning relationships with an actually person. Ok fine, we didn’t have sex and the relationship was more of my best friend…but what you know won’t hurt you!!! Let’s pretend that I am normal and sane and other men have wanted to have a relationship with me. However, I must admit that I have never seen secratary but I think I got your allusion. I am down with being tied up. Ravish me!

I am a 23 yr old cute female working in advertising. I would send a pic as exhibit A (to prove my case that I am both sane and attractive) however, I would be very embarrassed if it turned out that you sit at the cubicle next to me. I am soooo not sending a pic to a guy who might be a total whack job and will instead wank off to my image. However, once we establish that we aren't in the same professional circles, I am definately open to exchanging pics. AKA, you aren’t ugly.

A bit more about me: seven sister educated and in the process of applying to grad school, (smart with goals) obsessed with rollerblading along the Hudson (my I-Pod blasting as I ride at sunset reminds me why I am in love with NYC) I swear I am not fat, I even willingly exercise on my own accord!, well versed on a variety of subjects from Art to social theory to food and wine--if I don't know much about it, I could bullshit like I do. Am fabulously charming to boot! You will want to marry me as soon as you meet me!!

Tell me more about you, what is your obsession (we all have 1) and how do you like to occupy your time? Besides wanting a girlfriend, do you do anything except for look at internet porn and post to CL? Looking forward to hearing from you. And please send a pic.

His response:

I would post it, but…that is a little low, even for me. Could you imagine?! Standing by the water cooler and your boss walks up to you and is like, “Hey, so I read this chic’s blog and there are a lot of commonalities between this loser who posts on CL and you. Are you into spanking!?!”

I will however synop it.

First paragraph he makes a cute witty comment to my keg stand comment. Ok, I think to myself. He sounds cool. Could crack a joke. And then the second paragraph is where he loses me. In all seriousness, I say how I am an alcoholic party girl, brag how I went to a 7 sisters school, and all that crap but I am actually very low key with my intelligence and accomplishments (unless I am drunk, then I also tell you how much I love you). My attitude is, I have nothing to prove to anyone, unless you are my future ex-husband, then I want to prove how I could be the mother of your children and the recipient of a hefty divorce settlement. He lists every single degree that he has and doesn’t say the name of the school, except denoting whether they were private or public. My guess, did not grow up with a lot of money and the public vs. private is a big thing for his psyche. Moreover, having a need to list your multiple masters degrees (has 1, working on his second and going to b-school or law school next year) shows that you are using pieces of paper to make up for something. Like you have something to prove. It would be one thing to phrase it as, “Right after college I went for my MA and I started working but realized that my true love is ________ hence I am on my second MA. Hey, at least I have a hobby!” Play it off…your degrees should not define you but help you reach either a personal or professional goal.

Then he goes into his obsessions, which are ‘metaphysical’ and academic. Dude, did my mention of my seven sisters education put you on the academic defensive? I mean, seriously, I was drunk for 90% of college—including when I was in class and writing my papers. Why are you proving your shit to someone who you have never met?

Like all the men who I encounter, he has issues.

Especially when they mention that they like smart and opinionated women, such as myself. I mean in all seriousness, you have to be a masochist for wanting to date someone like me, argumentative, stubborn, tries to get away with as much as you will allow me to…I am the horrible ex-girlfriend that makes men become gay or marry boring accountants (I already sent 3 of them to accountant marrying hell).

And the closing line, “Please feel free to share a pic of yourself and I will do the same.”
Who the fuck writes that way, unless he is British. Trying to hard…why cant I meet men who are secure in themselves?!

My response:

I wrote this cute, funny, charming email and was all prepared to send it to you however, my session timed out before I was able to send it. Hence it has gone to email heaven, never to be sent nor seen. Seems par for a Monday morning or perhaps punishment for trying to distract myself by emailing you. Hi! I am trying to feel you out. Your last email kind of scared me because you were trying too hard, but I am giving you a second chance because the thought of a man who will be dominant in the bedroom and not take my shit out of it is exactly what I want/need.

I want to send you a pic but it will have to wait until I get home, as I have no pics saved on my computer here, and emailing you is a nice distraction from work. I am trying to see if you are worthy of having my pic. I am using my impressive analytical skills to track down a contact...for 2 hours so far, and getting to know you is alot more interesting. I am smart but am comfortable enough to not have to say, “I am trying to impress you with how smart I am and how I work for such a prestigious company.” I know I always could snap one with my camera phone and email it but with friends in town from England, however, not drinking for 3 weeks until last night thanks to $5 cosmos...and you have a look that I care not to be associated with, homeless with really nice clothes. Yea, I am so cool and not giving a shit, I go out on Sunday nights and get wrecked. And I dress nicely. Again, I am soo fucking cool.

Have you read Atlas Shrugged? There is this great part where Francisco d'Ancostia (I think that is his name) explains his reasoning for studying philosophy, econ, the natural sciences and how it helps him become a better businessperson. I'm toiling in the ever thank-less but awesome perks ad industry for my impending PhD. How else could one understand consumerism and its impact on the construction of identity without experiencing the industry first hand? Ah, my intellectual passion. See dipshit? I too am well read but don’t need to use any big fancy words to make myself sound smart. I know I am. And well read too. This is an example of how you should try to impress people who your smarts...unassumingly. And I only wrote that to say, "Your degrees mean shit" if you did them for the wrong reason. And rollerblading is my 'keep me sane' passion. It’s not that I am not sending the pic because I am fat, I mean how many fat people do you see rollerblading?! I am not sending the pic because you seem weird.

So, degree collect much?! Trying to compensate for something pal and can’t afford a Porsche?! The public land grant school (who the fuck calls it a public land grant school?!?!?) I am going to venture to say ________ . But where did you go for the second MA? The second MA has to be from either Columbia (where I am applying for next fall for either stats or Quant methods--I am a secret #s geek) see I am soo fucking smart that I am applying to the Ivy league in some fucked up esoteric shit. He doesn’t have to know that I got rejected and that Hunter is my safety school or NYU...or at least I am assuming. If it is not one of these schools then you are the mediocre people who gt multiple degrees to make up for a lackluster education and honestly, I do not want to date someone who I could beat in an argument every single time.

Now I know that you do not spend your weekends/spare time contemplating the philisophical foundations of economics I mean, I hope not, maybe when you do your HW but that doesnt count I hope you don’t. I mean if you do, then you are a fucking loser and I should run away from you...So, what do you do on the weekends/free time? Please tell me what you like to do in your spare time, I hope it isn’t just a lusty desire to tie up busty redheads because….this is fucking over. I just finished up playing kickball and am looking for another activity to occupy my (lack of) free time I am whimsical and cute and again, NOT FAT, while trying to break into a freelance writing career I write too, I do well with #s and I write. I am like fucking Einstein. I just want the fame. I just want fame.

Well, my AIM is _______if you want to chat. It's pretty slow in the office today. Please IM me, I want to know now if you are a psycho.


Well, I’ll keep you posted and see how it goes. I mean, if his idea of a secretary relationship involves having me bark as a dog chained…I would rather find another gay boy. And btw, he hasn’t replied to my cute and charming email. Rejected by another loser off of CL.