Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Sensitive much?

Tomorrow is my last date off of the internet. I am serious this time. I will find material in better places than meeting psychos off of the internet for dates. Since this is the last time, I decided to give it a valiant attempt and used Jdate-- the site that has been keeping the Jew bloodlines free from contamination..since..since…fuck, when did Jdate begin?!

But we know how my subconscious loves to sabotage me in any attempts at establishing a grown up relationship with a non-emotionally fucked up human being or fag. First I tell the perspective dater that we should go rollerblading for our meet up because, “if its disappointing at least we could still get in our exercise.”

That’s a way to meet my future husband. Sweaty, no make up, wearing work out clothing. However, he thinks it is a great idea because he is an avid rollerblader. Fuck. My not-so graceful out didn’t thwart his attempt.

I then decide to send him the most unflattering pictures, the times that I was drunk, 15lbs heavier, STEALING A GOLF CART (committing crime here people!!)…I mean, the photos that would warm any guy’s heart, make him think the words, “Mother of my future children’. He doesn’t budge. He still wants to meet me. Double Fuck.

And he thinks I am cute in the unflattering pics that I sent. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

I mean, I know why I do not want to meet anyone, why I have channeled my energies into work-a-holism, openly complaining about the one thing that has enabled my sanity. Working long hours, class, writing; combined they allow me to detach and half-experience things. A full schedule with only room to sleep, bathe, work, and get fucked up do not allow adequate time to relish uncomfortable feelings and memories. But what scares the shit out of me, I am much much happier when I keep my emotions in check. To not give myself permission to feel the sadness of people who I pass on the street to pretend that I am powerless at making people feel good. To openly ignore the obese man walking his dog on the pier, who tried to start a lighthearted conversation with my sister and me-- we ignored him as I wore my Gucci sunglasses and my sister with her Scoop NYC bag, wrapped up in conversation about something. Ignored his attempt at reaching out to someone to include him in something, even just a meaningless conversation.

Think about the feeling of being openly obviously ignored when you attempt to reach out to people, to validate that you are apart of their world when you are most uncertain. I know that feeling from my childhood and, presently, at my job. Yet when given the chance, I inflicted that pain to a total stranger.

Why did I do it?! The conversation didn’t leave me engrossed so that I didn’t notice, I recanted the story here. Why did I do that to a stranger? How could I be so cruel to someone when I have felt piercing cruelty first hand. To know what it feels like to not belong, yet when granted that power to make someone feel included for a split second, I turned my back. I pretended that power did not lie within me when it clearly did.

But you cant get pissed off at me when you read this because, we are all guilty at some point in our lives.


At 12:48 PM, Blogger sdm said...

How did it go? The blogosphere anxiously awaits...


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