Friday, August 25, 2006

A Day in the Life

I know, I know, I am just rubbing it into your faces but I cannot convey to you all just how much I fucking LOVE unemployment.

Did you know that there is a whole world out there that exists between the hours of 9-6 Monday-Friday? And, it just doesn’t include sunlight??

But this unemployment streak offered me a glimpse into what my life will probably be like when I marry for money my future ex-husband. It’s a beautiful life and if anyone knows of any rich men, seriously I can suck dick like a hoover! And moreover, I would be more than happy to help you greet your day with a hummer—only payment I ask is to keep me in the lifestyle that I have grown quickly accustomed to:

10am: wake

10:15: Do bathroom ritual consisting of over priced skin cleanser, over-priced moisturizer, brush teeth, stare at boobs in mirror and wonder if they are sagging. Check out ass for cellulite.

10:30: See what is on TV, make breakfast of no fat yogurt and tea, check email, check out which exercise classes I would like to attend in the afternoon, book squash court for evening’s game

*IMing friends who have jobs is interspersed throughout the day*

1pm: Look at what I have written. Contemplate cigg to combat self-loathing and self-accusations that I have no talent

1:30pm: Grow frustrated with the creative process book a lunch with friend, or a manicure if friends are stuck at that pesky thing called a job. Tues and Thurs head to Pilates.

3pm: Come home in time for Montell Williams, cheer on the cheating spouses, make another cup of tea, check out ass for eight time today

5:30pm: Head over to gym, squash and weight training. Mon and Wed Strip class

7:30pm: make dinner and drink plans, watch Will and Grace, contemplate outfit for the evening

10pm: Showered, dressed, hair coiffed—head out to dinner with friends. Get drunk.

Midnight: Drunk text friends, end up at bar, continue getting drunk, smoke ciggs

2am: Stop off at corner deli buy Fresca and pack of ciggs. Eye the Twinkies but then feel Buddah Belly and think better.

2:10am: Come home and eat 210 calorie Lean Cuisine instead

I am fucking useless.


At 1:20 PM, Blogger J.J. Gittes said...

Shit, girl.
If that's an average weekday, hope you survive the weekend!

At 2:08 PM, Blogger B to the... said...

You're not useless, at least you give good hummers, and that's way more than I can say about most women.

At 3:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aren't you supposed to be a writer? I've been reading this blog much longer than it deserves, and I have yet to read a single original, interesting, or even well-written thought.

Please print one paragraph from the manuscript you're working on. (I promise you, no one will steal it.)

At 9:27 PM, Blogger B to the... said...

What a knob/biotch. This is your site, do what you want with it. I thoroughly enjoy it and thank you deeply. Now about those hummers...

At 2:25 AM, Blogger Mahogany said...

does ur fantasy husband have a twin that likes fat asian women? if so send him to milwaukee.

At 1:39 AM, Blogger J.Green said...

welcome to my summer. minus the strip exercise classes.

At 7:57 PM, Blogger swandad said...

*just spit out my coffee after reading this....*

Keep up the good work!

At 10:22 PM, Blogger Ally said...

I'm jealous.

At 1:40 PM, Blogger ella w. said...

Had the same schedule back when I was unemployed and on the dole in NYC. But since all my friends were also unemployed we would IM each other even though we lived a block apart.

Oh and the drinking started around 2.

At 2:21 AM, Blogger EvilBeet said...

Hey anonymous, leave your name next time, jackass.

Shannon I adore your blog. I think it's very funny and well-written. Keep up the good work!

And if you ever get tired of the drunk and single life, swing by an AA meeting just to check it out. If nothing else you'll get some good character material for your novel.


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