There's a reason I eat out often

There seems to be a common theme in my life—whenever there is a simpler option of doing things I always opt for the more difficult. And it isn’t even because I think I have something to prove or want to give myself a challenge. Please I am too fucking lazy to want to do extra work. It’s just that I am a dreamer, an idealist in a sense. When I think of ideas, I can only see things in a big picture and ignore the details that it takes to get it accomplished. Maybe it is a symptom of my ADD or maybe, it’s just that I am usually too far into denial to realize what exactly I am getting myself into.

A few weeks ago I threw a dinner party for my sister, her boyfriend, and a few of my MoHos. With the extra free time on my hand and living on the UWS, I’ve styled myself as a budding gourmand and I get a kick out of cooking for people. For the dinner party I whipped up a horseradish encrusted salmon that went over pretty damn well. The fish ended up moist, flavorful, and the accompanying side dishes were pretty damn good—except for the collard greens, but I am white. What the fuck do you expect?

However, with being on a diet in the hopes of looking hot for the Ox, I have to cut down on those calorie splurges. Ciggs and hot tea have been pretty good at lessening any cravings—especially when I drink my tea over my computer screen salivating at the Crumbs Bake Shop web page. For ten measly calories and an active imagination, I drink my Earl Grey tea while salivating over cupcakes on the bakery’s website. So far, I’ve sampled their Oreo cookie, Pumpkin Spice, Key Lime Pie, and Caramel cupcakes.

Yes, I know this sounds like borderline eating disorder, especially with how often I work out, but I need to look hot in a matter of a couple weeks. And anyway, this beats fucking bulimia.

So, when Sheya invited me over to her place for dinner on Sunday, I immediately said that I would bake the cupcakes. First of all, when you bake it isn’t the same as eating it and secondly, as much time as I spend throughout the day reading Crumbs’ site I’ve developed a sort of fixation with it. And I know if I could make a kick ass cupcake, then maybe my obsession will be able to end.

I pick out a combination of two cupcakes that I constantly salivate over to imitate. One is their red velvet cake cup cake, and the other is their answer to a death by chocolate. I decide that I will take devil’s food cake mix, insert a chocolate ganache into the center and top with cherry butter cream whipped frosting. And this is baking, it isn’t like the horseradish encrusted salmon that I kicked ass with, I mean, how fucking difficult could it be?

I head over to Fairway to buy the ingredients. First of all, when I pick up heavy cream for the ganache, I see just how many fucking calories an innocuous dessert can have. I mean, have you ever read the caloric content for heavy cream? Fifty calories for ONE tablespoon. But, whatever, I load the shopping cart with the cream, the confectioner’s sugar, sprinkles and cupcake bottoms. When I got home I saw that I bought Barbie ones, but, whatever, who looks at the paper that they eat it out of?

When I’m on a buying spree and I think that I’ve channeled the ghost of Duncan Heintz, everything in the baking section looks pretty and nifty. The pretty sprinkles ($2.99), the pretty cherries to top the cupcake ($3.49), the Barbie cupcake holders ($2.59), there are other things that I am far too embarrassed to say that I bought in that split second of impulse buying. Let’s say though that it continues the Barbie theme, ok? But, all in all I’ve spent $35 thus far. If I would have gone to Crumbs myself, it would have cost me $21 for six cupcakes. But then I wouldn’tve had the experience and the blog post.

To be continued...the mouse is freaking me the fuck out. I just saw it again and I need to hide from it.