Wednesday, June 08, 2005


I know that I have not written in a really long time. And considering that this has been one of the hottest weeks in the last 2 years in NYC (I called it was going to be a bad summer) and I do not have an a/c, I am writing more out of obligation to my memory than out of the need to rant.

Happiness in NYC is dependent upon 3 key factors:
1. Apt
2. Job/professional success
3. Boy/Girlfriend.

Notice how I did not say friends? Let's be real, the chaos that is NY you do not have "friends" you have hang out buddies who will go with you to the bar and tell you what you did in your drunken stouper the pervious evening. A true test of friendship is whether you can hang out with those who you call "friends" without alcohol. And if you can't (90% of your friends) then they serve a different purpose than being there for you. I know this may come off as horribly bitter...but think about it. Your life is ending and you are miserable and you are awake at 3am. How many people can you list that you would call/would expect to call you?!

To bring those of you up to speed, let's see how my life is comparing to the benchmark of the NY 3 necessities to make living in this place bearable:

1. Gave up my fucking hot located apt in GV b/c I was sick of the 7 floor walk up, my roomie who is fastidiously clean was growing more and more annoyed with my lack of cleanlieness care, and I was supposed to move in with John John. Well, John John, as no big suprise is delaying his time that he wants to move in and has come up with this unrealisitic expectation of finding an apt for $500!! I'm sorry, but I do not want to live in Harlem right now, or probabley ever. So I give my roomie the 30 days notice, thinking that I am to move in with John. Fat chance. Ends up she found a friend who is subletting the apt for the month of July (but I can have it back for Aug) and then she found a permanant tenent for Sept onward.

Status: Almost homeless and am moving back in with mom and dad for the month of July. Mom is suprisingly happy and dad is excited that he can watch his whore of GV to ensure her virtue.

2. Job/Career. Got rejected from CU. Enough said.

3. Boy/girlfriend. Now, I am a true believer in Karma. What you put into the world, you get out. If you are not interested in someone...what is so hard saying just that? Why blow smoke up someone's ass and act like you are interested? So for 3 weeks I was horribly didnt eat upset. First time ever that someone has ever gotten to me and it taught me an important lesson. I am not emotionally ready to handle really liking someone. My head-first, think later personality is not conducive to emotional health. So I have sworn off men/women/dogs/anything that I can have a bond with until I learn how to harness that part of myself. Or maybe when things quiet down a little bit. But, it's ok, I am losing weight, got a few short skirts, look hott as a blond and have a sugar daddy at the moment. He says that I am "an intriguing woman". That's hott. I knew there was a reason why I like much older men. They apreciate you and buy you nice dinners, bottles of champagne, and have amazing kick ass intense conversations.

So, for 3 weeks I thought my life was over. I did not feel like writing, and was an emoitonal shipwreck. Depression is a catalyst for my writing but the shit I was going through was paralyzing.


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