Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Call me a model UN

It's a double edged sword when my friends come into town. On one hand it's great having them up here sharing my bed while we bring each other into the drunken abyss. But on the flip side, I usually end up red-in-the-face embarrassed because I learn about all the stupid things I did back in college. A few weekends ago, when my friends were in town they decided to bring up the time when I got so drunk and robbed bagged meals from fasting students as they slept.

I am terrible with dates. I think it is a symptom of my ADD. I have no idea the timing of major milestones. Fuck remembering birthdays, I can't even remember religious holidays, even with all of the marketing from Hallmark.

It was a warm day in the fall semester. And like all major holidays and special days, Lu, me and the gang decide to welcome the unseasonably warm day with an alcohol session on the green. We drank all day in the warm sun. Normally this behavior is frowned upon. We only added to our stigma of "those girls" because we decide to have our "picnic" in the middle of the campus green during Ramadan, the holy time of fasting for Muslims. In my inebriation, I probablyley even waved to some Muslim students, as I was shoving food into my mouth while concealinging the open container.

We drink all day on the green and continue well into the night, pre-gaming for the big campus party. Once we get there, I am gone. Drunk, hazy memory of the evenings events. Luckily my friends pieced it together for me, so I will always remember the moment when I practiced cultural diversity.

I am so fucked up at the party from the hours of excessive drinking that I need to call it quits early in the evening. I drunkenly go up to Lu, "Dude, I am sooo fucking gone. Want to go back to my room, watch The Weather Channel, and get some food?!"

But, remember, I went to college in the middle of the woods. After midnight, there is no place to get food on campus. If I want to eat, I have to forage.

We do a quick once around at the party, seeing if anyone left any chips or food laying out. And of course, they didn't. I am jonesing. Starches, grease, something sweet. Anything at this point to relieve me of my post-drinking munchies.

We enter the dorm, and there in front of me, are rows of paper bags filled with food. And juice boxes too! I run over to the table and literally rip open a bag and begin to throw food into my mouth. Double fisting a sandwich and chips while chugging a juice box in between bites.


Lu tries to stop me, but I don't listen. She doesn't know what to do at this point because I continue to eat, shoving more of the sandwich into my mouth.

"Shannon! It's Ramadan. Those meals are for the kids fasting! The dining halls aren't open when they can eat."

I stop and look up and see signs all over the living room that read, "DO NOT EAT THE MEALS IF YOU DID NOT SIGN UP. WE HAVE LIMITED QUANTITIES"

Oh fuck. Some Ramadan faster is going to have to go hungry because I ate her food in my drunken stupor! What do these kids get for being good Muslims and fasting? A drunkie stealing their breakfast and eating their left over dinner.

I feel guilty for one moment. And then shove the remaining food into my mouth. I mean, I did fucking open it already. I don't know what would be worse, having your entire Ramadan break fast meal eaten or finding a half eaten sandwich when you opened the bag?


At 11:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

other than "experimentation" what did you do for satisfaction at an all women's college? hampshire, umass, amherst?

At 11:43 AM, Blogger AWE said...

That's fucking hilarious. I could see some kid opening the bag thinking that they had done something wrong.

At 12:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How many Muslim students were there at a small New England college in the middle of nowhere?

At 12:49 PM, Blogger Shandoll said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 3:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahahaha! The self-centeredness of alcoholics is always such a riot! Who cares about other people's religious traditions when you can write a funny drunk-a-blog about it and cover over your cruelty by making it all a joke.


At 4:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

in response to anonymous' 1st post....SMITH

At 4:43 PM, Blogger mariah said...

say what you like, but if you're at smith, hitting it with other girls can take the edge off. if memory serves, it was needed.

At 4:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

they let you into mount holyoke with those spelling, ahem, skills?

At 4:46 PM, Anonymous Kate said...

Haha, I'm a current MHC student, found this through Gawker. Good to see the fun won't stop after next year!

At 11:04 PM, Anonymous raincoaster said...

This is totally gonna kill their "Market to Muslims" strategy for the next coupla years. Good work!

At 12:32 AM, Anonymous Jeebus said...

You just made a new fan.

I love good drunk stories, you know, the ones where you need to get together with three or four friends you went out with and put your heads together to get the full story of what happened during the night? This was one of those and it was f-ing hysterical. Kudos.

At 11:04 AM, Blogger Dubs said...

So I'm not the only one...fantastic news. From one drunk to another, keep up the good work. Ryan (I'm a girl)

At 11:09 AM, Blogger Dubs said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wifeys Forever! Great post, Shan. Wanna tell them about the rib-eating contest (me vs. you) in your bedroom? Yay for binging!

At 4:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i somehow stumbled upon your blog and absolutly love it!


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