The 12 steps according to...

So it isn't a big secret that I am a heavy drinker. Not like a heavy drinker for a woman but I am a heavy drinker for a line backer. Last night I went to an industry party and since the people who I work with at my agecny are not the most friendly people, I sat by the bar chugging for free my trusted Grey Goose and tonics that give me the social lubrication needed so I do not feel like the way I felt in HS.

I knew the night was going to be downhill when I noticed the moment I walked in, my co-workers all had three drinks in their hand. For those of you who do not know, agencies are not the best paying companies out there. When I asked a co-worker about getting a water (am trying really hard not to drink at work functions because...keep on reading) I was told that I need to "catch up." And then they stopped talking to me and went back to their cliques.

Drink #1, quenched my thirst so well that I decided to go for drink #2 immediately to make me feel more comfortable. Drink #2 goes down like water. Someone hands me a champagne glass, and I am double fisting Grey Goose and Champagne. Goes in the same vein as me price comparing Goya products wearing Ralph Lauren shoes and Gucci sunglasses. At this point, I am slowly vibing to the music and being the conversation fly (the person who walks in at a conversation, stands awkwardly waiting for someone to talk and then leaves when they arent acknowledged.) I decide to switch to water...but then I am handed another glass of champgne.

I think we are seeing where this is going.

Now, when I get drunk, I get easily excited, slightly boisterous (like exclaiming how fabulous I am--at least I am not a sad whiney drunk). I become easily excited slightly boisterous me. Keep in mind that this is my second week at my new job, and when we all went away together for last weekend at another industry function to a summer vacation spot I was drinking until 5am. At the moment I do not have the best reputation in the company...and what do I decide to do? Continue to drink! I think I mentioned my blog, all of my stupid drinking stories, my intrigue with drugs throughout the course of the night with my co-workers. Luckily I left the industry party before I got too sloppy...but seriously. My alcohol consumption is endangering my career and I promised myself that I would try to stop when it became a job problem.

So, this morning, as my hands were shaking from alcohol withdrawl, and my eyes were half open because I didnt get home until 2 am, I looked up AA meetings. Now, I noticed a very interesting commonality with the AA meetings. They are all held in churches. And considering that this is NYC, where we have a HUGE Jewish population, where are the Jewish meetings? And no, I am not going to CBST (the Gay synogogue), I mean I have enough problems dating/meeting hetero men I am not going to royally fuck myself.

Those of you who read this, if you do not know me...I am an avid passionate researcher. When I get an idea in my head, I will research the shit out of it. So in keeping with this whole AA theme, I came across the 12 steps that I will have to complete for my *hope* of staying on the wagon. Here is how I plan on implementing them.

The Twelve Steps for Alcoholics Anonymous are as follows.
1. Admitted that we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.

Yes, I am an alcoholic. Having "sessions" that last for sometimes 12 hours ending up with me: vomitting in mens' beds, hooking up with people who I do not know their name, dancing on bars, talking about drug use to co-workers, telling my boss about London boy and his affinity for men, climbing up 7 flights of stairs and not remembering how I got there, and going into work reeking of booze with hickys all over my neck are just some of the reminders that I may have a problem. My life is unmanageable. I drink too much.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

If I go to a 12 step in a church, will they let my higher power be Moses? I have to admit, as a nice Jewish girl, going to a church to "admit that a power greater than me will restore me to sanity" sounds an awful lot like praying to a God whose name is Jesus...I am just saying. But yes, I do not have control over my own actions, a lot like the times when I would sign the $100+ bar tab becaue the Grey Goose made me into a generous person with my friends and people at the bar.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

God, I am turning over my life to you. Now I know what you want for me and what I want for myself are 2 completely different things. I want many ex-husbands, a man to fuck me silly as he has me thrown against the wall crying out for him to bite me harder, seven jeans, an H2, and the opportunity for me to never have to worry again so I could become a "lady who lunches." For some reason, I do not think that is the plan you have put forth for me. Listen, could we meet in the middle? I'll stop drinking and turn my life over to You, if I could get a guarantee that I'll have the H2 and a man to have lots of hott rough sex with me. I'll even concede and have him be my husband.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

If anyone knows what this one means, please tell me.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

We'll be here for a very very very long time. And isn't this taken care of during Yom Kippur?

6. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

In the words of Pat Robertson, "Bring it on!"

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Fuck, I guess this list isn't exactly humble...*insert grovel here*

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

First of all, once again a very very long list. Secondly, the dude who I vommed in his bed, do I offer to buy him sheets? Is that a proper ammend?

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

So, I guess maybe I shouldn't offer to buy him sheets.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we we're wrong promptly admitted it.

I think my humor is self depricating enough.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

So are you trying to tell me that i have to give up my Seven jeans as well as my Grey Goose and Tonics and all of the hott random hook ups I have as I develop this relationship with God?

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.

Can I recruit in bars?