Sunday, June 25, 2006

A girl's penis size

I don’t know what it is about the spring/summer. At first I had to deal with the explosion of ass—all of my friends, myself excluded (of fucking course), have either gotten some booty on a regular basis or, my friends in serious relationships, have taken the next step in adulthood and made a commitment with their current significant others. As we all know how fickle young love can be, usually these commitments last as long as the time between herpes outbreaks or just until someone becomes emotionally stable enough to face the world on their own. When we hear our friends talk obsessively about their new love we smile, nod and wait for it to pass. And it usually does. Someone fucks up, misrepresents themselves and their emotional attachment and boom, in one messy break up scene, tears shed on shoulders and the relationship ceases to exist. Over in a split second.

However, I’ve noticed a curious thing as I am getting older. When people reach their mid to late 20’s, these breakups are becoming less common and more and more I see myself congratulating my friends on their one year anniversaries and inviting their boy/girlfriend by default on our nights out together. Just as I am getting used to the idea that my friends are in stable long term relationships, the engagement period quickly befalls upon me, and once again I’m knocked out of my comfort zone. No longer are these relationships hanging on a loose thread of “emotional intimacy” and “common interests” but now there is a $5-15K ring on the table as collateral; ensuring both parties that if the other person fucks up that there will be consequences.

A guy is going to think mighty hard before he does something very stupid.

The engagement ring is much more than just an innocuous piece of jewelry for us laypeople to oogle, but, it takes on a life of its own and becomes part contract and part social barometer. We ladies yearn for the biggest rock-- our competition amongst each other acting as the female reaction to penis envy. After hearing you boys compare penis size for all of these years, an appendage of six inches that is supposed to gauge your masculinity, your virility, and sexual prowess, I want to let you in on a secret. We girls do the same thing, but instead use the ornament sitting on our left hand’s ring finger that you gave us. You boys may have had to whip it out in the locker rooms when you were fifteen, but as an adult I keep my feminine worth out in the open for the whole world to see.

The engagement ring becomes a prize that we girls work towards, and once we reach that goal of finding the rich Christian/Jewish/whatever fiancé who works in either the financial services, law, or medical fields, the ring becomes our spoil of the dating war that we won. No more battles of getting into those tight Sevens jeans, teetering on five inch stiletto heels, nor begging friends to set us up on dates. Once the ring is slipped onto our fingers, it looks like the war is won.

However, if history teaches us anything, it’s that once an old enemy is laid to rest a new one emerges. And as much of a glimpse that ring can offer us into the future with prospective good Jewish fiancé, it still cannot guarantee anything. That ring offers no protection against a broken heart, no matter how much we girls think that receiving a gold or platinum band with a diamond on top symbolizes security. The sad fact is that 60% of us who live in NYC will be calling upon our pre-nups while we sit on opposite sides of the mahogany table negotiating alimony and custody of the Ecuadorian maid.

But that doesn’t stop us from buying into the dream that the ring symbolizes, nor does it stop us for being happy for our friends who do get engaged. Because Barbie never had to fight Ken for the dream house with the aid of a divorce lawyer. And as long as we believe in the Barbie fantasy, we also believe that we are part of the 40% whose marriages will be forever. Because if we didn’t believe, then what would be the point in being excited for our friends’ engagements and hoping for that one great love ourselves?


At 11:42 PM, Blogger nosthegametoo said...

Whenever I think about marriage, I find that I'm actually pretty far away.

Guess it is what it is.

At 12:37 AM, Blogger Mysterious said...

Extremely great post!

At 4:19 AM, Blogger partygirljessica said...

then i guess i've won the war. after years in the dating scene i finally found myself wanting to settle down. and i just found that guy for me at i got engaged last month. and the ring... to die for!

At 10:51 AM, Anonymous MissPinkKate said...

Fabulous entry; I'm writing an entry about engagement rings based on this entry. You should be able to see the trackback once I do.

At 2:26 PM, Blogger J.Green said...

"No more battles of getting into those tight Sevens jeans, teetering on five inch stiletto heels, nor begging friends to set us up on dates. Once the ring is slipped onto our fingers, it looks like the war is won."

May I posit another slightly un-pc theory. By viewing the dating "game" as "won" after the ring, you say that women no longer see the need to impress (tight jeans, hot heels, maybe even slipping on the bikini waxes here and there). This leads to what many men refer to as the downhill slide. Divorces are of course a function of many complex factors, but could it be that giving up much of the image that landed you the ring in the first place and letting yourself get "too" comfortable may also be a major contributing factor?

Nice post though, girls should consider themselves lucky as they always have the possibility of rising income/a second husband to improve on the ring situation; while guys are stuck with what allah gave them.


At 8:58 PM, Blogger Schepper said...

At 10:19 PM, Blogger Madcapper said...


Sorry we missed you last week, as it would have probably been fun, but a lot tamer than what you are used to . . . and we wouldn't have bought you champagne, or given you a Limo, as we wouldn't have been trying for the endgame, just wanted to hang . . . no need to buoy your lifestyle.

Do you ever read your posts a few days later and REALLY look inside of them?

Know how they say people look at things they've done in the past and laugh . . . not sure you might find it all as funny in a few years . . .

Not trying to be a downer, just offering food for thought from an older, now wiser friend from home!

At 10:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hysterical, and very true. May I also point out young twenty something female's infatuation with reading the Sunday Times Wedding pages...go figure..

At 11:17 AM, Blogger Constant Dater said...

I hope that thing was a joke. Otherwise it''s just vulgar.

At 8:54 PM, Blogger Hæ★ said...

SDoll, I love you, but I don't understand you.


Post a Comment

<< Home