You know you are a spinster when...

1. Your 20 year old brother buys his gfriend an engagement ring to properly propose while you have never had a relationship. Ever. And my internet first dates do not count. Nor do the times that I have ever gone on a second date...especially since they all happened like 3 years ago.

2. My only meaningful relationships going on right now involve the "wabbit habit" and the recently recently acquired "Samuri." Ideal actually, considering that all I have to do to keep them "disease free" is to wash them in warm soapy water and keep them in a bag underneath my bed until I want to play with them. How many men are as easy to maintain?

3. Let's elaborate on #2, shall we? Unless I am a dyke with a strap on or have a sexually confused boyfriend, who the fuck needs more than one vibrator? Seriously. Right now I have 2, and use them depending upon my mood and how much time I have to lay in bed masterbating. That says a lot, especially since it alludes to the fact that I spend a lot of time in bed masterbating.

4. I blew $80 today on a vibrator. Why may you ask? Well, I thought about buying a pretty shirt to wear out to the bars/work/French class/synogogue/to take a picture for a jdate profile in order to meet a nice guy. Hell I could have put that money to better use and gotten myself a facial or highlights. But I have reached that point where I am laying in my bed asking myself, why? To be perfectly honest, I am exhausted when I come home from work (as in I do not even want to be bothered with phone calls from friends and loved ones) and the guys who I have been meeting lately are...eh. At least with 2 vibrators I can pretend to be seeing 2 guys...especially if I read different erotic stories and give them different names. Like the Wabbit I'll name...Peter! and Samuri I'll name...Ichi! Boy do I have a hott sex life at the moment. Jealous?

But I have this fear that I am going to end up a spinster or one of those women who never get married/never has a another good date/never feel intense physical chemistry again. Not because I am busted...when I put effort into my appearance and I am operating within that first hour and half of a nights drinking, I look hott. Especially when my hair is straight and I am wearing a low cut top. No, I am going to be a spinster because I ruin everything, and I secretly sabotage myself.

I told a very good looking Italian law degree finance-type grew up in Mexico because his parents did something diplomatic shared my view on the world of living life and friends/family are more important than money...I could go on...I told him that I wasn't interested in having anything right now. With anyone. So, I could have potentially went home/brought home a cute foreign boy for a romp and possibly more (like all of my other friends are seeing someone/have boyfriends), but I blew it. WHY?!?!

Instead I sat on a train coming back to NYC from a BBQ in CT by myself as my friends coupled off with their S.Os (significant others) falling asleep and exchaging kisses.

I masterbated for an hour this morning.