Friday, July 07, 2006


I feel that restlessness that is a result of loneliness right now. Instead of going out and slamming back alcohol and fixing my boobs in a too tight shirt all night, I threw myself a pity party, with me acting as the guest of honor and my Indian take out place catering the vegetable samosas and naan bread that went with my out-of-a-box saag paneer. By the way, cheese coming out of a box, even if it is in creamed spinach is as appealing as it sounds and does not taste the way it looked in the picture. It was one of those days that no matter how many people I made laugh, or went rollerblading with after work for a few hours, it just wasn’t enough, and it failed to provide me with a feeling of security and distraction from my emotional roller coaster week. Sitting in front of the computer for eight hours taking screen shots, didn’t help my depressed and lonely mood either.

As Friday afternoon rolled around, and although my body craved the effects from a bottle of ice cold champagne, and my mind needed a friend seated across me in an outdoor café, I realized that there wasn’t anyone who fit the mood available. Either my closest friends don’t live in the city (wifey, today totally had your name written all over it), my friends who live here are in relationships where the ass is plentiful and the Friday evening plans are assumed on the calendar, or my laziness won out and I didn’t feel like putting forth an effort to have a conversation with someone.

That’s what makes afternoons in cafes so special. You tend to want to be seated across the person or persons at the table, and the wine in front of you is there as a prop to loosen tongues instead of acting as a vehicle of social lubrication. Very few people are absolute pleasures to be around, where the friendship is so comfortable that neither one takes offense to the inevitable silence, instead the break is seen as kismet, both parties taking a break at the same time, instead of simultaneously having run out of things to say.

When I returned home, I made a few of the obligatory Friday night phone calls, feeling out the waters, testing to see if I would short change myself on what I actually wanted. Tonight, unlike many nights, I just couldn’t do it. Maybe it was because of the intense rollerblading session for over an hour and having faced death several times within that period (I almost went straight into oncoming traffic on the West Side Highway) or maybe it is because I am not just physically tired, but emotionally as well. But tonight I refused to have the see-saw conversation where each person talks at each other, listening for the sole purpose of accruing time to vent, instead of caring what the other person is saying.

With tv failing to comfort me via hollow distraction, I put on my pj pants and roamed the streets of SoHo. I had to leave my apartment. Part of me hoped that I could run away from the loneliness I felt, showing me that it was really my apartment’s fault and not my own while the more pragmatic side wished that the weekend warriors’ gregarious mood would rub off and lighten mine. After fifteen minutes of the charade, I walked back to my apartment. A lesson I would like to share: walking through the streets of SoHo in your pj pants and an old t-shirt will not make you feel better. Actually, it made me feel worse because I realized not only did I feel pathetic, but I looked the part. Especially rocking the messy side pony tail.

So instead of keeping the boast I promised my friend, telling him how tonight was going to be a night of champagne decadence—both the night and beverage being delicate, not too heavy, and leaving the slightest taste on the tongue, I am left in my bed, writing in my blog while digesting two deep fried veggie samosas. And we can’t forget the naan and the saag paneer that came out of a box.

It’s nights like tonight that remind me why I am ready to leave the city. I just hope that my homesickness won't leave me romanticizing an already strained relationship with my life in NYC. Because, a relationship that sucks, is a relationship that sucks, no matter how unsure the prospect of a new one is on the horizon.


At 7:02 PM, Blogger B to the... said...

Oh, I so love sitting outside with a friend chatting about whatever comes to mind. Wish I could have been there for you. You would have had to cancel any pre-noon plans on Saturday because we would have talked our asses off. That's what I normally do, people swing by my house before going out (nothing pre-planned, just random friends), we sit and chat about what's going on in our heads and then head up to the bar. I value those chats and always have beer/vodka on hand to keep my friends loose and here as long as possible. I still think a summer NY trip would be splendid.

At 8:54 PM, Blogger B to the... said...

I'm quite serious about the trip to NY. For some odd reason I think we'd hit it off, don't ask me why, just one of those feelings. Can I give you my personal email address that you won't publish? I'm really a nice guy (or so they say), 29, 6'4, 210lbs, no six pack but I work out 5 times a week, not that physical things have anything to do with it, I haven't seen a pic of you and I'd love to sit and chat for hours on end. If you've read my blog you know a lot about me. Up to you. Have a good night.

At 9:10 PM, Blogger Shandoll said...

You know, I really am flattered when readers think that we'd "hit it off". And being a lonely single girl in NYC who is a tad on the idealistic side, I have met a few of those readers and let me tell you--YOU ARE ALL FREAKS. I swear, I mean it in the nicest way possible; but you are all freaks.

Honestly, I am a bit afraid of some of you. But, if any of you are hot, love to cuddle, and reside in the NYC area, I may be open to testing my theroy.

Seriously, I really need a cuddle buddy this summer. Like, really really badly.

At 9:19 PM, Blogger B to the... said...

Ok, I'm not a freak, I think someone has posted on your site promoting me. Just the average Mid-Westerner who is currently going with the neighbor's kids to his new girlfriend's house, oh, way too honest. Gotta log off but have a good night. Wish you the best and be a good girl. Hope the same for myself. Peace.

At 10:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

B is a very nice guy, accountant by day and a bar monkey by night. he is also handsome with killer blue eyes that can melt u. and a smile that will light up any room. he isn't good at cuddling but he is a good listener and will have u cracking up to the point of u almost peeing in ur pants. he is house trained and will drink anything that wont kill him--lol.

At 2:20 AM, Blogger J.Green said...

blogs aka the new jdate.

At 4:13 AM, Blogger Bollux said...

Ahhhh nothing like being wide 3:30 in the morning. =/ Sorry about your Indian feast gone awry. Personally I prefer some chicken Makhani, I admit I have tried to make naan at home but lets face it...Ukrainians are not meant to make naan. =p But I will keep trying. lol

About the restlessness and how NY offers no solutions. I for one know exactly what thats like...and am having the same kind of moment now as its 3:30am and I seriously doubt I can go back to sleep. Not much to do in Queens at 3:30. Infomercials galore...and no desire to throw on a movie. No one to "share" the loneliness with as the rest of city is asleep. Times like this make you wonder about the "city that never sleeps"....except when you're wide awake, then the whole city is dead quiet.

As for...freaks...lets face it NYC is the home of freaks. Live here long enough you will have seen it all and been caught in the middle of it all. I know I have. So naturally it comes with the territory. You just have to know which of the "freaks" can be tolerated. ;)

I do hope your weekend shapes up. Do not forget you are not alone in your feelings even if sometimes you do feel alone. Now to go see what there is to do at 4:00am. =(

At 8:21 AM, Blogger Schepper said...

He sounds cool. Shan, I think you need to take B to the... Out on the town in NYC!

He's a nice mid-westerner...I think you'll like that. :-D

Read his blog. It's very similar to yours.

I'm voting for B!!!! Show him around the town. :-D

At 11:51 AM, Blogger Madcapper said...


You know the old saying about people who live in glass houses? One person's "Freak," might be another's normalcy.

Nobody wants to just "cuddle," permanently . . . it gets old really fast.

Btw, the version of NY Fashion week (7/17 - 7/21) doesn't have the runway shows . . . just open showrooms and two major Trade Shows @ Javits, Project & Pool.

Perhaps we'll get a chance to meet up . . .

At 12:23 PM, Blogger Schepper said...

B, Are you jewish?

At 6:54 PM, Blogger B to the... said...

No, not Jewish, don't even know what I am, half German and half mutt I guess, never looked at nationality in my life, except when I wanted to play ball with the brothers because they were better than the white dudes. As far as religon, I'm lutheran, not exactly praticing but I do usher in church every month. I try to be good. I've worked with every nationality and everyone's cood with me, I just hope they're cool with me, hard not to.

At 7:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

B isnt jewish but he is circumsized--lmfao. don't ask how i know that---long story. but i think u should get to know him. he is very funny and a very nice person. one of the best people i know.

At 9:26 PM, Blogger Shandoll said...

You know, for a guy who is supposed to be sooooo interested in me, he is awfully shy emailing me.

That would be a new one, a reader flying out to meet me.

Have I reached the high point of blog-briety?

At 9:29 PM, Anonymous Bollux said...

Good lord.....nothing like living in the biggest italian neighborhood in Queens and having Italy win the World Cup. Retards have been driving about honking like idiots for hours with flags flying from cars, homes and whatever they could strap one to. Enough is enough. Worst part is..all italian neighborhood....and no one can make a good slice of pizza. Morons!

At 12:52 PM, Blogger B to the... said...

I sent you an email this morning, hopefully it goes through. Wasn't quite sure what to say to someone you haven't met but still know a little about through her blog postings. Hopefully it was appropriate and not too lame (Monday's are always lame for me).

At 1:28 PM, Blogger ella w. said...

For me, NYC is a lover that I will never get out of my system. Even after I left the city the affair lingers on.

When I go back to visit, the feelings starts all over again. But when I return to LA, I realize that it was a temporal thing. Let's face it - NYC is a hard living.

At 9:46 PM, Blogger Bollux said...

Without a doubt, living in NYC is tough. Dealing with the people is tough, survival is is amazing how people can deal and "win" at the game of life in NYC. For me NYC has the opposite effect, whenever I go away, coming back always gets me back into the cynical, depressed, "I hate everyone" mood. Take for instance this past March I went to that "happiest place on earth" in Florida. No sooner did the plane touch down did the attitude change from being relaxed and ok with my fellow man.. so a general malaise. It is amazing how just looking at the two different airports: Orlando International and La Guardia how completely depressing NY is. Dark, danky, dingy while Orlando is bright, clean and the people don't have a general "I rather stomp on you than say hello" attitude.


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