Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Prince charming's been scared off

There was an interesting book review in the Atlantic about how young women aren’t saving for their retirement in the same way that men are. The book proposes, that as women take control of their finances, it’s an admission that the knight in shining armor is not coming and we have only ourselves to ensure our rescue. Hence, many women are reluctant to give up that fantasy in the form of investing in their 401K. I mean, never mind you want to create a nest egg that both you and your knight could share—but I guess that would be an admission that there is a flaw in your hero, and the fairy tale ending becomes more DreamWorks (Shrek) than Disney (Sleeping Beauty).

So in my quest for my knight, a dinner companion, hell, even someone who I don’t have to drink five martinis with in order to be their company, has left me kissing more frogs than I could imagine. Just when I get to the brink of my frustration, and I am relieved to see the semblance of a form of royalty emerge where I lay upon my kiss, I wake up and next to a warty toad. I thought he was a prince because of last night’s combination of alcohol and endorphins, as well as desperation to believe in something. I think I am getting close to that admission of defeat, but the healthy one. On par with those women who begin to deposit money into their 401K for the first time at age thirty. I mean, I have to be prepared when my prince and his horse both show up infected with hoof and mouth disease.

In my drunken social experiment that I pulled with my friend James last night, both of us so emotionally shot from the week’s events, that we needed to be reminded of the depths of depravity of the human condition. We posted an ad on craigslist, “Fuck me on Daddy’s Dime”, the tale of a rich hot ivy educated ex-Div I lacrosse player who wanted to be treated like a slut. Asking for pics, of course because she, doesn’t “fuck uglies.” Within, literally, three minutes we received about twenty responses. And as we pounded more beer, the emails kept coming. We got the requisite dick pics, and of course the ugly fat guys who wank in their basements. But that is standard. I expected the freaks to come out of hiding and proudly send me a head shot along with a dick pic. But what really got me, were the responses from guys who my mom wished I dated. The clean cut guys, smiling broadly while fishing with friends, or at the beach with their family. The “normal” guys sent over snap shots of themselves on vacation and at celebrations as they don’t need the cover of grainy web cam pics.

But, let’s think about that one for a moment, shall we? Men, with their tanned faces, smiling broadly into the camera, resembling family photos that you yourself own, proclaiming Ivy degrees and the coinciding jobs in finance, are trolling Casual Encounters and responding to an ad titled, “Fuck me on Daddy’s Dime.” These “catches” write emails telling me how they want to use their dicks in my (plural) orifices, and one randy over zealous chap offered to use my chest as a commode.

Fucking freaks.

But that’s what throws me for a loop. Honestly, if I met any of these clean cut guys who responded to the ad in a bar or at a friend’s dinner party, I would definitely accept an invitation for dinner from them. With casual encounters offering a glimpse into their seemingly normal minds, it appears that it’s more difficult to spot the guys who will secretly think about giving you a chocolate milk enema, as you trail off on a tangent about why American welfare reform policy doesn’t address the root cause of poverty—lack of access to social networks. Not only do I have to think about how I am going to woo members of the opposite sex, but now I have to be on guard and be on the look out for signs that they are worthy of being wooed. As if dating isn’t anxiety producing enough.

And our neurosis doesn’t stop at wondering if the guy who just picked up the dinner tab is secretly into sex clubs like Le Trapeze or trolls craigslist casual encounters after he drops you on your door step and kisses you goodnight. Even my friends in non-craigslist affected cities still find dating harrowing.

Take my friend, Jessica. A perpetual single girl, she resigned her desire to find mr right. “It’s either the freaks or weirdos who like me!” she would exclaim after creepy guy number forty-seven hit on her at a club. She gave up. Predictably, not long after giving up, a friendship took a turn for the romantic and she finds herself in a relationship. “This is one of the healthiest things I’ve ever been in!” She is quite proud of herself to snag such a great guy and to also have sex on a regular basis with a penis connected to a body as opposed to a remote control. This isn’t the only first that Jessica has experienced because of this relationship—she’s also recently filled a prescription for valium.

“I can’t explain it. When we are together, things are amazing, I know he likes me. It’s only where we are apart or haven’t spoken for a few days, that it somehow starts to go to shit,” Jessica confided to me. “I feel crazy when I’m not around him, what happens if he finds someone else? If in that time period we are apart, he stops being interested in me?”

It’s a common phenomena that I have been seeing with a lot of my friends, and myself included. Perhaps as products of the cell phone generation, we haven’t been able to develop our emotional self-sufficiency. And any that we learned prior to the mass-marketing of cell phones, we’ve forgotten. Modern technology has not only stunted our athletic prowess but our emotional growth as well. When I am in a crisis, I reach for my cell phone and scroll down the list of my phone book, looking for someone to call upon in my hour of emotional support need. When confronted with a relationship, the kind that consumes your thoughts and mood for the day, not only do we need immediate emotional gratification but we need it from the object of our intimacy, the counterpart to the relationship. When we are forced to go without that, anxiety occurs, meds are consumed, and the switchboard lights up—looking for anyone to act as a pacifier until the real deal becomes available.

“That fucking jerk was supposed to call me three hours ago…wait a sec.” The incoming phone number is checked, “Hey, that’s [insert guy’s name] on the other line. Thanks so much for listening to me!” As the tear is wiped from the cheek. Sniffle. Smile. Do everything, to prevent him from knowing that you just went through a touch of the crazy.

Press call waiting button to go back to the guy.

“Hi [insert guy’s name]! Oh, I was supposed to call you back? No worries, it was just a mis-communication. But hey, I am actually at a gallery opening with a friend,” walking into the Korean deli to buy a diet Snapple, “can I give you a call back later tonight?”

By kissing all of those frogs, it’s hard to disconnect their lingering slime upon our lips with what we see before our eyes. . So even if the prince does emerge, we stand in disbelief, unsure if the person there is really him or a warty toad, yet another result of the combination of endorphin high that lust brings and our own pathetic desire to believe in something. Until we know for sure, we continue to run back through the forest, consulting other stories, and trying to figure out which ending this tale will bring.

21 Comments:

At 11:44 PM, Blogger B to the... said...

Was I one of those nice guys with the tan faces that you might have dinner with?

 
At 1:11 AM, Blogger Bollux said...

I used to say chivalry is not dead, it is just well hidden. I still believe in it. Yes there are alot of toadies out there, and normally you do have to kiss alot of toadies until you find the prince. The problem is seperating the toadies from the prince. As you have said when a prince does finally come along, it is hard to believe and you are hesitant as you have been confronted with dozens of toadies. It does take a "leap of faith" to stop following your gut feeling of disbelief and give it a chance. Those toadies always give princes in disguise a bad name...and we suffer for it as we become the next "toadie" without given a full chance. The knight in shining armor will come along, but most of the time the armor has a few dents in it. You just have to overlook the dents and accept despite the dents/battle scars, that knight can be the one to make you happy.

Yes there are alot of freaks out there but what becomes the bigger issue is that for your entertainment value, you go looking for the freaks. Sometimes things are better off not known...else we would not leave the confines of our own private cell. Yeah you have nothing to do, yeah you are about to start pacing your place...but do you really want to know about the dude who wants the chocolate enema? Certain things, can be left not known.

It is true that cell phones have stunted our growth as a society and the way we act around each other. I went to lunch the other day and some guy was on the phone the entire time while his kids were sitting there eating their lunch. Put the phone down man, life can't be all that important that you have to keep in touch over lunch and not just relax and enjoy the meal. It has also, as you stated, made our emotional self-sufficiency and reliance and turned it into a call/text message frenzy to know what each other are doing at that very second of the day.

I can understand that when in a crisis you look for the cell phone and scroll the list of people to call. But to be honest, wouldn't you prefer the closeness of someone next to you. Someone you can talk to and look into their eyes? Alot can be said about someone through their eyes and eye contact. Over the cell phone you cannot tell if said person is watching tv, paying any attention to your needs at the time or just aimlessly going about life. I know if I am in a crisis I rather have flesh and blood next to me so i know I have their full attention and can seek wisdom, support and guidance in my time of need.

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger Constant Dater said...

"Chocolate milk enema"? That sounds more like a punk band than an appealing sex thing.

 
At 10:17 AM, Blogger B to the... said...

Oh my, got an email from a friend this morning, I think she emailed you last night. Maybe having ex girlfriends post referrals wasn't a good idea, we'll see. So, what are your hobbies besides roller blading and running? Oops, sorry, and drinking 6 packs (amateur). Oh, kind of fell off the wagon last night too, I couldn't deal with another night of 3 hours of sleep, got a good 8 hours in (after 3 pitchers, 3 glasses, and 5 shots of Southern Comfort). Peace.

 
At 10:49 AM, Blogger Intrinsicdisregard said...

I don't think your experiance is unique. I myself have awoke next to a proverbial warty toad many a time... but strangly enough the realization of their inherant "toadyness" was not apparent at first due to me sugar coating their entire personality. I think everybody does this though. The bigger question I beleive is why people fall so deep into desperation for human peer bonding that they overlook things that actually turn them completely off. Being drunk and endorphens play a role... But desperation is also the mother of all fuck-ups. When you want things to just fucking work already, and they won't. Nor could they... it's the interesting conundrum that the mentality itself promotes. The other side being that I know myself, and how I'm intrinsically predisposed to judging people in .5 seconds. Which perhaps is unfair to them, but really... that's not my problem, or maybe it is??? My thoughts on relationships are that people are all so unique, but in different ways. No one will ever find their perfect "soul mate" if they say they have they are fooling themselves into thinking so. All I hope to do is pretty much like you said find "someone who I don’t have to drink five martinis (or random drinks) with in order to be their company."

Mike D. from the ville of pleasantries

 
At 10:56 AM, Blogger Bollux said...

lol constant

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger B to the... said...

You won't need 5 beverages to sit and enjoy yourself accross from me at a street side cafe. If only I could convince you that my intentions are completely innocent, I truly enjoy a good conversation over almost anything, sex usually screws things up for me. Get a couple in me and I'll either talk your ear off or be a good listener, depends on the situation. Being in a new city I'm sure I'd be asking you tons of questions, about you and the city of course.

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger mahogany_lll said...

hey now, i said really nice things about B. and B asked me to do it. but the kissing toads, way to many to even keep count. and the whole phone thing, god i do that all the time and so does all of my female friends. why we feel the need to place a man over our friends during phone conversations i will never know.

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger Bollux said...

but you might end up running away as NYC will humble even the most bravest knight.

 
At 1:16 PM, Blogger katie said...

hey, b. you seem like a nice midwestern kid and all, but you're starting to creep me out and i'm not even getting your emails. tighten your reins; i'm starting to fear for your dignity.

 
At 1:36 PM, Blogger mahogany_lll said...

trust him shannon, really he isn't smart enough to be mean or have a motive. what u see is what u get with B. nothing more and nothing less. but if he orders chicken wings dont get near him or u might lose a finger or worse. i avoid him when he and chicken wings get together.

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger B to the... said...

And no I won't send you picturs of my penis, please quit asking for them. Ha.

 
At 2:27 PM, Blogger B to the... said...

I wish I were a kid again, still limping like Hulk Hogan after Monday's jog but that won't stop me from doing it again tonight. I've got a weird sense of humor, sorry if you don't get the comments, I see Shan didn't post one of mine today, just a bad joke about her CL experience. Not trying to creep anyone out, not sure there's much dignity left anyways, people have way too many stories about me doing stupid stuff, I keep them entertained.

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger Bollux said...

lol poor b. and his issues....you really have great things to say about him huh "banana"

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger B to the... said...

I was kidding with that, you didn't have to post it!!! Awe sheesh. Do people actually have pictures of their penises on CL? Just a little gross.

 
At 3:25 PM, Blogger Bollux said...

tmi on the pics of your equipment

 
At 5:07 PM, Blogger mahogany_lll said...

pics of bananas? lmfao. ok i'm keeping my mouth shut--lmfao. oh god!!!

 
At 5:36 PM, Blogger B to the... said...

Awe crap, I was going to comment that my penis has never been photoed, but then the drunk night at the bar came to mind. Mahoganny had her camera there, actually up my shorts leg. I am no longer a penis photo virgin, no one's ever going to marry me now!!!

 
At 9:10 PM, Blogger Schepper said...

He's a CPA, Accountants are cool. You know that Shan. She loves accountants.

 
At 12:18 AM, Blogger Bollux said...

oh lord, mahogany takes banana phots huh

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger mahogany_lll said...

shannon if u want the pics let me know---lmfao. i still have them somewhere. and B no one would marry u before so the pics made no differnece.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home